Category Archives: We’re Going to be OK

Schools Out – Day 1

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We don’t have lessons for the kids yet, so today was just a “do whatever” kind of day. E baked his first dessert – supposed to be blondies, but turned out more cookie-like. L played outside – a lot.

Found out B’s wife is more stupid than originally thought. Not only did she have the girls around people from all over this weekend, she also has traveled through airports very recently AND her parents (at whose house she was at this weekend) just returned from a trip to Mexico. But she doesn’t see anything wrong with exposure. She’s a fucking nitwit. (NOTE TO SELF: super important to not take out my feelings about their mother’s stupidity on the girls.)

I sketched out my three classes for the rest of the semester – I really don’t think we’re going back in mid-April, as originally thought. Feel okay about the plan – not ideal, but students will get what they need to keep moving through our program. A lot of content is going to have to be cut. I’m really only focusing on content relevant to assignments. I’m thinking about posting my full lecture slides so at least they can see what we’re not covering. But, realistically, I doubt many (if any) students will seek content that isn’t “necessary.” I spent a good part of the day wondering if an email I sent to undergrad students in my department actually went out – I haven’t heard a peep from anyone (which is kind of weird and kind of not).

We set up B’s home office. His work announced a shut down today. We’re fortunate to have a home office space (usually mine) and a “gift wrapping room” (which will be B’s space). Kids will be spread between a couple of places – dining room table, kitchen table, and probably a card table set up in the front room. If E works in the dining room (where he usually does his work), I can put one girl in there with him. More than that, and I fear no one will get anything done.

I mocked  up a tentative daily schedule for the girls. I modeled it after the multi-color one going around the interwebs now, but changed it a bit for our family. Kids will have a lot of creative and play time, as well as time for physical activity. I’m actually looking forward to “finding the time” to do an online fitness class or walk the treadmill. I’m about to find out there IS time…

Also spent the day dropping off princess and girly books that my kids have outgrown to a friend with three little girls. And ran by my mom’s house to get brown sugar (she left it on the porch because she’s not feeling well – but not COVID symptoms. I did blow her a kiss through the front window).

Oh, and had a conference call with the executive board of my alma mater alumni association. We’re postponing our spring event, which sucks and is sad, but totally the right thing to do.

 

“Social Distancing”

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This has been a weird week.

Tuesday went from “we’re monitoring” to extended spring break for the university for which I work.

Wednesday saw the announcement of university online classes for the two weeks after extended spring break.

On Thursday, sports leagues announced cancellations and postponements, Disney closed. Basically, entertainment is on hold.

On Friday, the governor ordered all schools K-12 closed until April 6.

Life is uprooted. My spring break has turned into a scramble to convert three “must be in-person” classes to online instruction. Some of my students are panicked – worrying about how this will affect grades and graduations, experiencing anxiety over being able to pay bills and keep their service jobs.

My kids’ teachers are trying to figure out how to handle their lessons. And my kids are unsure how certain assignment are going to be handled. E is concerned he’ll have eight-plus hours of work each day, and he’s freaking out.

I’ve isolated myself from physical contact with my mom, whom I usually see every day. I can’t be sure that my kids or I aren’t carriers or that we haven’t been exposed, particularly as our blended family has two kids who are not being encouraged to be “socially distanced” from anyone (as evidenced by their mother posting photos of them at a birthday party this weekend with people from all over the state). I can’t tighten the circle to make sure my mom is safe when I have no control over one-third of our household. L and I visited my mom today, for the last time in who knows how long, to set up Skype and make sure she has everything she needs.

First day of school tears (for me)

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2016-09-01 06.38.46-1

Obligatory first day photo shoot.

Ethan and Lauren started school today. Sixth and first grades. And I cried.

I don’t remember crying when they went to preschool or kindergarten, but this year was different – and super emotional. The kids are going to a new school. Each to a different school, actually. And I’m happy and I’m sad and I feel completely and utterly overwhelmingly guilty.

When Mike and I decided to have kids – actually before that – we agreed that we wanted the kids to have a Catholic education. It was so important that I converted to Catholicism before we got married so this would be a family thing.

When the kids and I moved here, Mike was fairly involved in the “finding a school” process. We continued to agree that the school should be Catholic. As I looked at areas to live, Mike was looking at schools (via the Interwebs). While he never visited the schools or talked to anyone, he had a say in where our kids would go.

And I really liked the school we chose. Then Mike died.

I’ve written about it before – just weeks into his new school, Ethan was called down to the principal’s office to get the news. His teacher, the principal, the priest, the families made us feel so welcome and so much part of the “school family” in those difficult early days and weeks and months (and beyond). Same when I was diagnosed with cancer. I truly loved love the families at the school.

But…

The school isn’t a good fit for Ethan. That’s hard to think, to write, to say because I did a lot of research to find this school.

 

  • With only a couple of exceptions, school activities are limited to sports-related things, and Ethan’s not sporty. At all. (Plus sports remind him of Mike, who coached Ethan in little league and soccer, so there’s an emotional connection that Ethan associates with sports. And not a good one since Mike was sloppy drunk the last year he coached.) New school has OPTIONS, so many options, like a robotics club, a reading club, chess, yearbook – and several less competitive intramurals like dodgeball.
  • And when I found out two of Ethan’s greatest allies/friends were leaving the school, I knew middle school would be hard for Ethan without these boys. These boys stuck up for one another, and Ethan would be miserable and bullied – with no support. I know he had other friends, girls mostly, but that only added to the bullying he was experiencing at the end of the year.
  • Ethan has asked for years to go to a different school. Having his dad’s death happen so soon into his time there AND finding out at the school have tied all those memories together. I’m not sure Ethan can separate things in his head, and that’s made for some self-imposed difficulties at the school. The new school is a fresh start. A clean start. No one knows him there, and he can create the persona he wants to be (starting with today’s outfit, which he introduced as his “new look” – much different than the athletic shorts/stained t-shirt boy I looked at all summer).
  • I won’t even go into Family Life or the repetition of explaining childhood grief to the administration and teachers… New school has an onsite counseling DEPARTMENT, and it hosts workshops and meetings for kids who’ve lost a loved one, or have anger issues, or are dealing with family status things (remarriages, parents dating, divorce, etc.)

And I feel guilty about making the decision – the best decision for him and one he’s asked for for several years – to change schools. Guilty because Ethan will attend public school for sixth through eighth grades. And that’s not what Mike and I agreed to. And Mike’s not here to support or refute my decision. And I can’t discuss it with him. And I can’t get his okay.

I CAN’T GET MIKE’S OKAY. I will never have his okay…

 

So, regarding Lauren, I decided to move her to a different school, too. I’m keeping her in a Catholic school (for now). I’ve met with the principal and her teacher to discuss the situation, and they seem more competent/compassionate/understanding. I’ve explained some of the childhood grief issues we had at the other schools, and they seem better equipped to handle it. Lauren’s a completely different kid with different needs. She’s going to be alright no matter where she goes. I feel really good about her new school, and wish I would have moved Ethan here last year (it only goes to fifth grade, unfortunately).

Cancer update: reconstruction and a bone scan

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While I was diagnosed as cancer-free in September, cancer stuff will never completely go away. One of the PAs in the Cancer Center met with me a few months ago to outline my long-term plan: mammograms and ultrasounds every six months for five years, then annually after that; appointment plans with oncologists (every three months for a year, then six months for two years, then annually), radiation docs (every six months), breast surgeon (every six months for a year, then annually), and plastic surgeon; and my final surgery.

I had my final surgery during spring break last month. This time to reconstruct the left breast to match the right one. I had to wait six months after radiation before I could have reconstruction, which meant eight months (surgery was in July, then waiting period, radiation, and another waiting period) of two completely different breasts. The new right breast was perky and sat high on my chest. The left breast showed signs of my 40+ years and the tolls of gravity. There was more than an inch difference in nipple placement, and because of areola resizing, the left was twice as big as the right.

Since June, I’ve worn a “regular” (nonsurgical) bra only a handful of times. I had to lift up the left side to try to get it to look like the right. I used breast inserts to try to get the shapes to match. It always started out okay, but within a few hours, gravity won, the inserts shifted and everything looked lopsided, lumpy and weird.

Reconstruction surgery went well. It’ll be another month or so until everything settles, but I’m pretty close to “matching.” I’ve retired the scarves and asymmetrical necklines that have helped mask the difference. And the scars are very faint already.

Unfortunately, in follow up with my oncologist over the last few months, my blood work has shown some abnormalities indicating a concern about my liver. Levels of certain liver-function/enzyme tests were elevated. Between October and February, four of the five liver tests were elevated. By April, one test was one point higher than the normal range, but a second test (ALP levels) just kept getting higher in the five times my blood has been tested since October. It wasn’t at “dangerous” levels, but my oncologist was “mildly concerned.” He ordered a bone scan, since this particular enzyme could be indicative of something wrong with the bones as well as the liver (since the other liver tests were closer to normal, concern shifted to my bones).

So I was injected with a radioactive tracer, sent away for three hours for it to collect in my bones, and returned to lay on a table for two hours while a machine took images of my skeletal system.

I could tell what part of my body was being imaged by the questions the tech asked:

Have you ever broken a bone in your arm? Yes, my wrist when I was like 11 or 12.

Have you had issues with your hips? Yes, I was born with hip dysplasia.

Which hip? Both hips.

Have you ever had spinal issues? Yes, I was diagnosed with an S curve in my spine and treated for scoliosis from elementary school through high school.

(Side note: after 18 months of all kinds of medical tests, hospital stays, and doctor visits, anything that requires minimal invasion and just laying on my back listening to music WINS. Bone scan = not bad, perhaps among my favorite tests of 2014-2016.)

The results came back a few days later – all clean, no issues. With lack of any other areas of concern, we’re now working on the assumption that I have naturally high ALP. Or I’m growing.

Otherwise, I’m feeling great. Work on my stamina continues, after a four week hiatus post-surgery. After being fairly non-active for the last 18 months, it’s a pretty big hurdle.

Focus on love and bullying: a response to “Karen”

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“Karen,” I don’t know your situation or what you know about kids and grief, but it’s a horrible, bumpy, rocky road. There are steps forward and giant leaps backward. There’s regression and repeating the standard grief steps over and over as he reaches different maturity milestones. As a parent, you just never know what will trigger a regression or how long it will last. Continue reading →