Category Archives: We’re Going to be OK

Telling Lauren about grandma’s diagnosis

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Lauren, now age 16, has been in the loop about my mom’s diagnosis since we received it. I thought she understood…

A few weeks ago, when my mom was staying at our house, B and I went to a concert that we had tickets for since December. Lauren remained home with mom. I asked Lauren to watch a movie with my mom while we were gone. I told mom they would watch a movie together. Mom was looking forward to it.

The next day, we asked Lauren what movie they watched. They didn’t watch a movie. Instead, Lauren played on her phone, and mom napped on the couch before going to bed.

I stewed over that all day.

I picked up Lauren from work the night after the concert, and I said, “Why didn’t you watch a movie last night? I really wanted you and grandma to have some time together.”

“She wouldn’t say what she wanted to watch. She kept dozing off,” Lauren replied.

I turned to her in the parking lot.

“Lauren, decisions are really hard for her now. You should have just put something on. Anything. I really wanted you two to have some good memories before things get worse. You realize things are going to get bad, right?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” she asked horrified.

“She’s not going to get better,” I said.

Lauren started to cry.

“Do you know what dementia is?” I asked.

“I thought I did. But I thought she was going to get better,” she said.

Full tears from both of us at this point.

I explained the neurologist said she’s like a teenager now. She will continue to regress in age until she has no control over bodily functions or speech.

“She’s not going to forget us, isn’t she? I don’t want her to forget me,” Lauren said, full blown sobbing.

“She may not remember our names, but we will remember,” I said through tears.

“How long does she have?”

“I don’t know. Could be years, could be less, could be a little more.”

“I just want her to come to my high school graduation,” she said.

“If she can, she will be there.”

We held each other in the parking lot for a few minutes, then I drove us home.

Lauren and my mom have always been close. Mom moved in with us right after my dad died, and mom became Lauren’s caregiver while I worked. Mom moved with us to Wisconsin, and she continued that role – and while I was with my previous employer, mom was with Ethan and Lauren more than they were with me. Even after mom moved to her own condo, she picked up Lauren every day from school and helped her with homework. Mom was a constant as I went through cancer. Mom is Lauren’s godmother (LONG story). The two are the best buddies, and it’s awesome to see them cuddle up with each other or hold each other’s hands.

And when the time comes, Lauren’s grief will destroy me (much like Ethan’s grief when my dad died – oh, and the WAIL he let out during my dad’s funeral – broke my heart).

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As I write this, I’m in full-blown tears, and snot is flowing. (EDIT: reading it again before posting caused another waterfall.

Through Mike’s death and my cancer (and now my mom’s diagnosis), the one constant that made me ugly cry was the effect on my kids.

“It’s probably cancer, but we can’t see you”

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Thirty minutes ago, B came into my home office where I had just wrapped up a video call, and he closed the door.

He had just had a (phone) consultation with an oncologist, and he needed to update me.

“There’s a 70% – 75% chance it’s cancer,” he said. “But it hasn’t really grown since the first scan.”

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B was diagnosed with colitis a few years ago, and a few times a year, it flares up so bad that he undergoes CT scans and other tests to make sure there’s nothing internally wrong. He had a scan in early fall, and another a month ago. Neither showed anything related to the colitis. But the second one caused his doc to refer B to an oncologist for further evaluation.

There was a spot on his kidney that was very suspicious.

The oncologist consultation was scheduled then rescheduled. Today, because of restrictions on hospitals and the cancer center, that consultation took place by phone. The doc was running two hours late for the call, but B was assured it would still happen.

The news: very much most likely cancer, but super slow growing (as if that would be reassuring). The spot WAS on the first CT scan, but no one was looking at the kidneys so they didn’t see it. If it’s grown between scans, the grown wad super minimal, but still the spot needs to be removed.

The oncologist told B this type of cancer doesn’t usually need chemo or radiation. And it can be removed while keeping the kidney intact and functioning. One night in the hospital, and then it’s about a six week recovery (basically, no heavy lifting or hits to the kidney). Bing. Bang. Boom.

But surgery can’t be scheduled until mid- to late-May — at the earliest. The oncologist has canceled surgeries like this, given the situation with COVID-19. (The oncologist originally told B it would be June or July, but B pushed back because of a major work project in July and our scheduled family vacation.)

So I guess we have to wait.

As a cancer survivor and a widow, I’m a mess. B is acting all “whatever” about it, but I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to hold him and cuddle him. I want to break down. I want to ask the doctor a million questions. I want to get B in for surgery RIGHT NOW.

But I can’t. B doesn’t want to say anything to anyone. He doesn’t want family worried. Or kids to worry.

I’m hoping he’s told me everything, but I imagine he doesn’t want me to worry. Hell, I’d hold back info to me right now, too.

I’m scared. Really, really scared.

 

Got out today!

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Today followed the same pattern of a super long day, but also a super slow one. It seems like days ago since I went out to the grocery and dropped off provisions at my mom’s. But that was at noon, just six hours ago.

So I did get out of the house today. We needed some fresh fruits and veggies and a few other things. My mom needed bread and eggs. She also asked her elderly neighbors if they needed anything – they didn’t, but they’ll call me if that changes. I got to talk to my mom for about 30 minutes. She stood on the front porch and I stood in the driveway. It was great to see her and sad because I couldn’t hug or kiss her.

I figure there will probably be at least a trip to the store once a week, other than milk runs (that’s every few days, even though we’ve DRASTICALLY cut down on milk consumption, much to the dismay of the teenager). Stores are strange. There’s no selection. Mom needed bread, and there were literally six loaves of each of three kinds. Such limited choices. Absolutely no chicken – fresh or frozen – to be found. Eggs at only one store (Walgreens). Milk down to skim and whole. No potatoes. Lots of oranges and apples, but almost no other kind of fruit. Paper aisle down to four packages of TP and two or three rolls of paper towels. Liquor section still stocked (thanks, Wisco!) and everything in that section at full price.

For the last few years, I’ve been really good about menu planning, and I’m not letting that go. While I’d like to stick to what we know during this time of getting adjusted to a new routine,  B sent a ridiculous recipe involving chicken wrapped in a puff pastry. Yeah, sounds great, but dude, I ain’t got time for that shit right now. Spaghetti it is.

Kids are getting a little better. Of course this was the first day with just E and L. We’re going to try to keep the visitation schedule as much as possible – basically, until we go into full shutdown. You can imagine how B’s ex feels about that. She’s bitching up a storm. Because it’s going to be so HARD to manage with the girls at home. Because her job is so critical right now (um, it’s a nonprofit that deals with a very specific profession, so no it’s not). Because SHE’S A SINGLE MOM WITH NO HELP.

Let me pause there. She needs to shut the f- up about being a single mom. That argument doesn’t play with me. She’s going to struggle because she’s designated her home as the fun-time play-zone. There are no rules, no schedule, no respect for her authority. She’s their playmate and now she might have to actually (gasp!) parent.

Also I have no tolerance for whining about being a single mom when she has a VERY involved baby-daddy with B. You know who was a single parent with no help? Me. You know who managed? Me. You know who has no sympathy for that shit? Me.

Anywhosit, E still doesn’t have work. And L’s school is in denial of “all schools closed indefinitely.” Today an email from the teacher included the line, “If this continues much longer, I’ll probably have to figure out how to get math lessons to your kids!” and “While you’re waiting this out, here’s a link to our spring concerts songs. Be sure to practice at home!”

So, no we’re not practicing for the spring concert, which was scheduled for early May. And yes, you really need to “figure out” math for the kids. The four weeks of lessons she sent home NEEDED to include math and didn’t. I’m pretty much at the point of throwing all the bullshit, half-assed, put-together-in-a-hurry-without-a-thought bullshit sent home and start over. This is ridiculous.

Trying to get my classes together to go online for the rest of the semester continues to slowly inch forward. Today I tested two different content delivery systems. I’m overwhelmed at the options Tomorrow my TA and I will decide how to move her discussion sessions online. I also want to finalize my class syllabi and start recording lectures. I’m sort of terrified of getting sick and not being able to get information to my students. I figure if I can record 5 minutes on each topic, at least they’ll have some of my insight.

Today’s bright spot to all this: not being afraid because of last year’s student stalker! It’s always been at the back of my mind, him coming to campus and coming to one of my classes. With campus closed, no concerns!

Corona-cation: it’s a lot

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Wednesday. Hump day. On what should have been my spring break.

Homeschooling is… well, it’s sort of school-esque and it’s at home, and that’s about it. The assignments are ridiculous. No offense to teachers, but four kids in three districts is interesting. E’s work won’t be available until mid-next week at the earliest. L’s work is fine, but VERY light on math and SUPER heavy on religion. I’ve supplemented some math because it’s her favorite and told her to ignore the religion. B’s girls have had technical difficulties.

But here’s my problem. There’s no plan for GRADING the work. And I literally have no time to do my job AND grade elementary school work. And if I magically find the time, I  expect to be reimbursed for it. Seriously. The teachers are getting paid right now, so… figure out how this shit will get graded, please. Especially the stuff on which the next lesson builds. C’mon – my kid isn’t just going to do busywork! And if that’s the plan (no grading), then fuck the assignments and I’ll find my own direction. There’s more than enough resources out there right now. I can cobble something better together (with online grading, of course).

I’m finding it super challenging to balance work and redoing an entire semester (now classes online through end semester) PLUS acting as teacher PLUS acting as recess supervisor and referee for the kids PLUS managing the house (break for lunch! break for snack! break to find scissors! break to figure out dinner! break to make a grocery run list! break to do 17 million things! PLUS trying to make sure mom is ok (she is) PLUS handling freelance responsibilities PLUS PLUS PLUS. It’s so much. I’m hoping a rhythm gets established soon. But I’ve never been a patient person. I keep telling myself this just started, it’ll take time.

Here’s what’s weird: The day both flies by and is super slow. Like there’s so much going on that I can’t believe what happened this morning was part of THIS DAY. There aren’t enough hours in the day, yet I need a break. I’ve done so much, yet I’ve done nothing.

SIDE NOTE: Interestingly, my grandfather JUST realized the severity of COVID-19 – when he went to the coffee shop today for his daily toast and java and it was closed. Until then, he and his lady friend have completely ignored all warnings and loved ones telling him to stay home. It was just today when Fingerhut’s was closed that he and Rosie went to get groceries and decided to “hunker down” for a while.

SIDE NOTE 2: Today’s interesting and sort of amusing thought: when this is over, everyone is going to be so ridiculously shaggy. No haircuts. No color. No waxing. Nothing. Just sitting at home, growing hair. Good lord, I’m glad I’m not coloring my hair anymore, but these curls are going to be WILD in a few weeks.