Hi. My name is Jax. This is my story.
Right after giving birth to my daughter in 2010, I realized my husband of 10 years was drinking, hiding it, and lying about it – classic signs of alcoholism. Mike was always a drinker – and it wasn’t a problem until it was THE problem.
He went to rehab, but was kicked out for showing up drunk. He went to AA, but decided “those people” had problems, but he didn’t. He tried therapy; lied to the therapist. Medication; nope, just hightened the effects of the alcohol he was continuing to consume.
Finally, I went to court and had him thrown out of our house. I filed for divorce, and less than six months later, Mike was dead. Cause of death: “liver failure due to severe alcoholism.” I was told that the drinking had probably been going on longer than I knew.
At age 38, I found myself widowed, an “only parent” to a six-year-old and a toddler. There will never be a reconciliation for Mike and me. He will never have a relationship with the kids, or them with him. I was prepared to be a divorced, single mom, but not a widowed one. It’s entirely different…
Two years later, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer (triple negative, 2A invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 3). I allowed myself to think of it as 18 months until the light at the end of the tunnel. Almost to the day, that was true. Chemo, cancer surgery, radiation, and reconstruction – cancer free and perky boobs.
A while ago, I was filling out a health assessment. One of the questions asked about life events – how many of these things have you experienced in the last year. I checked more than half of the items on the list: losing a job, getting a new job, moving, separation/divorce, death of a loved one, debt/finances, health concerns.
I remarried two years after cancer – hell, anyone who will stay with you through that is a keeper, right?! I gained two bonus daughters in the process. Step momming is the hardest momming I’ve ever done.
There have been a lot of changes in my life, and the lives of my kids, within a short period of time. This blog is my outlet for dealing and coping with this new life – the good, the bad, and the ugly. MommysLittleBlog has become my therapy.
Mommy's Little Blog 
I have tears in my eyes just from reading this. I know it doesn’t mean much, especially coming from a stranger, but I am so sorry for what you have gone through and I hope things get better soon!
It does mean a lot, tmvikholt, that you took time to comment. Thank you.
You’ve certainly been given a lot to handle. I, for one, am grateful that you have turn to this blog to share your trials and tribulations. It helps me and I’m sure others to know they are not alone. We are in good company of others, which includes you, that had their world turned upside down in what seems a matter of minutes…would it help if I said it’ll get better? Lots of room for improvement, not a lot of room toward bottom since you’ve almost hit it? I do not mean for that to sound sarcastic or uncaring. Trust me I’ve been in a similar situation such as yours and I know that there’s only way out and that’s up. One day at a time I guess is all you can do.
Keep writing!
Thank you, Rose Chimera. I’ve found writing is quite therapeutic for me – it gets “things” out, which I think is healthy. Up is the only way to go! Thanks for stopping by.
–Jax
My condolences on the loss of your husband. I know how tough it is. You sound like a very strong woman with an equally wise and resilient son. Writing is great therapy, so keep writing. Best wishes to you on your journey.
Thank you for reading, nivadorellsmith.
Hi Jackie,
My heart goes out to you and your kids. I know what alcoholism does to a family; I am the oldest of six sisters and my mother is an alcoholic. After five years of constant relapses and hospitalizations, she is now over a year sober, but after so many dashed hopes, you never stop wondering when it’s going to start all over again. My mom should be dead ten times over by now. We were lucky, nothing more. Loving an alcoholic is to love and loathe at the same time, and I can think of few things more painful. I can’t imagine losing my mother in the middle of that as you did with your husband, without a chance for reconciliation. But I have witnessed some miraculous healings in my time, and I know you and your family can heal and will be stronger for it. You are taking a great step by expressing yourself in writing. Please give me a shout if you need a sympathetic ear.
Kylie
6 Sweet and Sour
“Love and loathe” – that’s it exactly. Thank you, Kylie.
I came across your blog while just randomly browsing WP and found myself absorbed in your life story, I think you have written it incredibly well, it’s fascinating, I don’t really know what to say to be honest, I just wanted you to know I’ve read it, and good luck in the future, whatever it holds..x
Thank you, sho0werstorm, for visiting – and taking the time to comment. 🙂
My heart goes out to you. You are a very strong woman. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to heal.
Thank you.
I am so sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through 😦 I don’t really know what to say, except I hope the future brings you brighter and better things x
I wish you strength. Be good to yourself.
Jax, You sound strong and writing can help save you. Here’s another hug from a stranger. Patti
I happened upon your blog by accident and glad I did. Your words sound like mine, even if the circumstances are a ‘little’ different…Thank you for sharing with us.
Jax, I came across your blog as I was looking to see what other folks like me were writing about. I just started a blog myself and am new to the game. As I read your “about me” I felt like I was punched in the gut. We have quite similar stories. I lost my Mike in the same manner 6 months after separating. I look forward to hearing how you do on this journey. I pray for your healing.