Tag Archives: grief

Birthday card

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I don’t know why I opened it. I’ve never opened one before. But something just… MADE me open it. Thank goodness I did.

It’s been a month since I picked up mail at my PO box. Everything “real” and important (i.e., bills) has been rerouted to my house, and the only things that still go to the mailing location are addressed to Mike – or from his parents.

It was a birthday card for Ethan. Just a card, nothing else. But it was what was written inside that really pissed me off.

In its entirety (spelling, grammar, punctuation errors belong to them):

Ethan,

Just remembering all the great times we spent together makes us smile. Thank you for being such an amazing grandson. Warm wishes for a Happy Birthday to you.

We look at your pictures and see how much you look like your father. We wish we could see you and share pictures and stories of your dad while he was growing up.

We pray your safe and happy each night.

“All Our Love”

Grandma and Grandpa

Allow me to break this down:

The time “we spent together” amounted to MAYBE twice a year for a day or two each time. And during those times, Mike’s parents spent almost no time interacting with the kids. They would sit on the couch and watch, but not talk to or play or engage with Ethan or Lauren in any way. And they took every opportunity to NOT be in the same room as the kids…

“We wish we could see you” – this is probably the most offensive and inappropriate line in the entire note. If Mike’s parents were interested in seeing my kids, all they’d have to do would be call. I’ve told numerous people IRL that I’d allow them to see the kids (supervised, of course) if they reached out. It is NOT my obligation to reach out to them. However, in the interest of Ethan and Lauren, I would allow them to see their grandparents – IF their grandparents wanted a relationship with them.

My offense comes from including this in a note to a child – I’ve sheltered the kids from all the asshole things their grandparents have done before, during and since Mike’s death. And for them to include this line without context (like they haven’t even TRIED to see the kids), is amazingly inappropriate. I AM NOT THE ONE KEEPING THEM OUT OF MY KIDS’ LIVES, but I will not pawn my kids off on people who don’t want to see them (again, it would just take a phone call if the grandparents truly want to see E and L).

“Share pictures and stories of your dad while he was growing up” – this is another head scratcher for me. I have the handful of photos that exist of Mike as a kid. His parents’ basement flooded years ago and almost all their family photos were destroyed. And of the few photos that were saved, his parents couldn’t distinguish between Mike and his brother as kids. (Really? What kind of parents can’t tell their kids apart – the two don’t look ANYTHING alike and are four years apart in age!) Same thing with stories about the boys’ childhoods – his parents ALWAYS got the stories wrong (Mike’s stories were attributed to his brother and vice versa.)

I won’t even bother nitpicking the grammar and punctuation errors.

I decided not to share this card with Ethan. In fact, this makes me want to close the mailing address so I (the kids) won’t receive this kind of correspondence from them anymore.

Assholes.

“Is he a hobo?” or revealing the truth to Ethan

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First, I realize that my writing has been quite sporadic this summer. Truth is, I love having the summer “off” this year. This teaching gig is seriously awesome, and even though I’m spending time preparing for next semester, I have no official research or teaching obligations until mid-August. So, I’ve finally organized the house (I closed on the house days after Mike’s funeral, immediately got strep throat, and had to leave for a business trip two days after the movers left – so nothing was where I wanted it and I never painted or hung all the photos or really decorated or anything else), planted a garden, re-landscaped the yard, spent time playing with the kids. I’m not just on the computer as often as I am during the school year.

I came clean to Ethan. And it was overwhelmingly positive, and touching, and funny, and kind of weird.

Until now, whenever I had a date, I told E that I had a “meeting.” It’s terminology with which he’s quite familiar. In my professional life, I’ve had a lot of meetings, some on weekends, some later at night. So my going out to a “meeting” hasn’t been a big deal.

On my last date with B, I was asked how long I thought Ethan would believe the “meetings” thing. After all, he’s a smart kid, and as things are going quite well, there could be many, many more “meetings” in the future. That question struck me and made me rethink “meetings.”

E and I were spending the morning running errands, just the two of us. We stopped for lunch at one of his favorite restaurants, and it felt like the right time to broach the subject.

“Ethan, what would you think if I started to date?”

His eyes lit up. He smiled widely and started nodding his head. “Yes, mommy,” he said. “Yes, you need to meet people and make new friends.”

“Um,” I said a little stunned by his overly positive reaction, “I have friends…”

“Yeah, but they’re married friends. You need bachelor MAN friends,” he replied, still smiling.

“You’d really be okay with it?” I asked.

“Mommy, YES, you NEED to date. You should look into M@tch.com – they have more marriages than any other site. Well, at least that’s what their commercial says. Yay, dating! I’m so happy!”

“OK…One more thing,” I started. “You know the ‘meeting’ I have tomorrow night? It’s really a date,” I said.

“What?! You’ve met someone already! That’s GREAT, mommy! You know, on a date, the man pays for everything. Just so you know,” he said.

“Well, that’s not always true,” I began.

“Yes, he should pay. I have some questions.”

Then he started with the questions (in order, to the best of my memory):

–          “Is he a hobo?”

–          “Does he have a job?”

–          “Does he own a home? What color is his house?”

–          “Does he have kids? Are they boys? A boy and a girl? Oh, two girls…”

–          “Was he married before? Nevermind. Obviously, if he has kids, he was married before. So, he’s divorced then?”

–          “Is he handsome?”

–          “Is he famous? Because it would be cool if you dated Aaron Rodgers. Wait, he probably has a girlfriend or a wife already, huh?”

–          “Can I ask him questions? I have A LOT of questions for him…”

Then Ethan got up from his chair, walked over to me, and hugged me close and tight. “I love you, mommy. This is really good news! You have a DATE!” he said.

Sidenote: Ethan is not a touchy kid. I mean, he’ll kiss us and hug us after we prod him, but even when he asks to cuddle, he just wants to be close, not touching and certainly not embraced/embracing. He’s always been this way, so to have him initiate a hug is completely unexpected. And it didn’t stop in the restaurant. He’s been REALLY affectionate – coming up to me eight, nine, ten times a day to hug me or put his arm around me and smile at me and tell me how happy he is for me.

The next day (the day of the date with B), Ethan started his morning by wishing me a “happy date day” and more hugs. By afternoon, Ethan had some fashion advice for me. “What are you planning to wear tonight?” he asked me.

“Um, I’m not sure. Probably jeans – it’s going to be chilly tonight,” I replied.

“No. You need to show some leg,” he said. “Maybe a skirt that’s like this short (gesturing to mid-thigh) with a slit up the side to about here (another gesture a bit higher). THAT’S what you wear on a date.”

“No, I think I’ll stick with jeans,” I said. (FYI: I wore jeans.)

___________________________

Ethan’s reaction was unexpected, and so positive.

But it isn’t just E.

I’m wondering if nearly everyone in my life thought I was a lonely, miserable wreck of a woman. I didn’t think I was appearing miserable IRL, but the overwhelming response to hearing that I’m dating someone has been ridiculously over-the-top (in a positive way).

Of course, my mom has been talking it up – to her dad, her aunt, a family friend, cousins, neighbors, just about everyone she meets. Everyone is happy for me. Many have commented that I “deserve” to be happy and have a relationship with someone “nice.” It’s great. I’m very aware that not all widows/widowers have such support when they decide to move on.

Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive in thinking it’s been TOO positive. I honestly don’t care what anyone thinks about my dating. I DO deserve it. And I’m REALLY enjoying myself (and REALLY enjoying spending time with B)…

Coincidences or signs?

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It’s been a weird 12 hours.

First, there was the amazing sunset after the balloon launch at Ethan’s grief group. What I didn’t say in my post last night was that on my balloon’s message to my dad, I asked for a sign that I was doing things okay, and that we’d be all right. Enter the most magnificent sky ever. I’m taking that as a sign from my dad.

Then I realized that I “knew” the new guy in grief group. First, his son looked familiar, like I had seen him before. Then the daughter’s name tripped alarm bells (it is not a common name). And the timeline of his ex-wife’s life from cancer diagnosis to their divorce to her untimely death was strangely familiar. I checked an obit this morning, and sure enough, the kids’ names and his name match. He’s the ex-husband of a former co-worker who died earlier this year. (I wrote about her in a previous entry, but I made the post private because “people” were searching for terms associated with her and stumbling across my site.)

This would be odd enough, but in one of the last emails that Donna sent to me, just weeks before she died, she talked about her kids and my kids and wanting to get them all together for a play date. I guess now they’ll get to know each other, having the chance to hang out every two weeks at grief group…

Message received

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grief group

Tonight at the grief group Ethan and I attend, we released balloons with messages to our deceased loved ones. Almost as soon as the balloons were released, the sky changed and the most amazing sunset appeared. I told E that it was a sign that Mike received his balloon message.

Endings and Beginnings: An Update

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Life has been extremely busy lately. Good busy, but busy nonetheless. So quick updates:

  • It’s the end of my semester, and I can’t believe how quickly time flew by. In the last week, I had a standing ovation from one class and incredible notes of thanks from several other students. This teaching thing, yeah I like it. Now the time-consuming part – I’ll be spending the next few weeks grading papers… (But I’m on the fall and spring schedules for next school year, which is awesome!)
  • B and I continue to talk daily. We closed the restaurant (again) on our last date, spending more than six hours talking and laughing and smiling without any concept of what time it was. (“Why does time seem to stop when I’m with you?” he asked when we realized it was 2 a.m. and the restaurant was closing.) At least one friend has asked if B and I have kissed. No, we haven’t. He continues to be a gentleman, walking me to my car, giving me a hug, kissing my cheek at the end of the evening (or early morning, in this case). I don’t know where this will lead, and while I look forward to finding out, I’m really realistic about it and taking things very slowly and cautiously.
  • Relatedly, a former coworker messaged me this week with a *demand* to get to know one of her friends who’s moving to town in a month or so. From her message: “I am going to introduce you to a friend of mine who is moving to (CITY). Not a “fix up” unless you just happen to hit it off that way but a great single dad who is extremely bright and funny and sarcastic and I think you would be friends. Oh, and just BTW, he’s exceedingly handsome and has an adorable young son. He’s an uber liberal feminist. I would consider running away with him if invited. Just a heads up. I am not giving either of you a choice in the matter.” I took a chance and messaged him yesterday. (Thank goodness I’ve had some recent practice being witty via emails…) Also, friend was right: he is ridiculously attractive.
  • The condo fell through. Someone offered full-price, all-cash, not-contingent-on-an-inspection offer, and the bank took it. It was a huge blow to my mom, and I think she’s reluctant to look anymore. I’ve shown her a few listings that are comparable, but she hasn’t taken any steps to move on anything. I think she’ll be around for a while.
  • Ethan had first communion last weekend. It’s a big deal for a second grade Catholic schoolboy. As Ethan was getting ready in my room on Saturday afternoon, I was struck with a feeling of sadness: Mike should have been there. Mike should have been helping him get ready, put on his first suit, tie his tie, comb his hair. Mike should have been sitting with E and I during mass. Mike should have seen his son reach across the aisle to hold the hand of one of his favorite (girl!) classmates during the “Our Father.” But he wasn’t there. Instead, I brought a photo of Mike to set on the empty chair, for Ethan to hold during the service. It made Ethan happy to have the image of his dad, but it was sad to watch as he held the photo close at key parts of mass. I was taken back at how empty and sad this otherwise happy occasion made me. I was glad when it was over and we could leave. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough – to get away from the happy families celebrating together: moms and dads and the first communicant and the extended families. (But it was super nice that E’s Big Brother came to mass.)

I’m looking forward to wrapping up this school year and then having the summer “free.” I’ve worked every summer and school break since I was 15 years old, so to have three months without obligations will be completely new to me. Also completely new to me: spending all day/night, every day/night with my kids – other than maternity leaves and occasional vacation days, I’ve worked since they were born. Actually, I worked through my maternity leaves and vacation days, so this will all be REALLY NEW to me.

Once I’ve submitted the final grades for the semester, I’ll be planning daily activities with the kids, a family road trip to the Gulf Coast, and visits with friends near and far. In my mind, I have lofty expectations for the summer – I hope reality lives up to it.