Category Archives: Kiddos

Teacher meeting, new therapist

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Ethan’s teacher emailed yesterday, requesting that we meet in person after class today.

God, I hope she found a man for me.

LOL

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On a more serious note, I think I found a new therapist for Ethan. After an exhaustive search of providers covered by my insurance (and much thought about the pros and cons of staying with the same therapy group as our last therapist), I found a woman who specializes in working with young children (as young as three years old – wow), and has a lot of experience with helping young kids through the grieving process. She’s an elementary school teacher turned counselor, so I’m hoping she’ll have some good insight and recommendations for how to help Ethan through this.

We’ve emailed a few times, and although we keep missing each other’s phone calls, I’m fairly certain that she’s going to be a terrific fit for us. Fingers crossed.

In-law mail

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Since moving to Wisconsin, I’ve maintained two addresses – our home address as well as a postal box. I’ve been transitioning my personal mail to the house address, but I keep the box open for things relating to Mike’s death – creditor letters, estate requests, correspondence from his parents.

I checked the box just before Christmas. Nothing from his family. Not surprised. We hadn’t heard anything from them since the weirdo birthday cards for the kids and the message that she left months ago. (Nope, never called her back. Figured if it was important, she would call again or just send the info in the mail.)

We don’t go to the box often. There’s really not much coming there anymore. But Ethan and I were out running around last weekend, and I popped in to get the mail.

Tons of catalogues. Creditor letter for Mike. Random crap for my mom. I almost missed the two envelopes. I started to open the one addressed to the kids, but stopped. I decided to let Ethan open it.

I handed him the envelope and mustered up my cheery voice, “Oh look, Eth! I think this might be a card for you and Lauren!”

He reached for it and tore it open. He read it aloud. I asked to see it.

The cover of the card read: To my granddaughter and my “grandson.”

“What the hell is wrong with these idiots?” I thought. This isn’t a card for kids. It’s a card that a grandparent would send to her GROWN granddaughter and her granddaughter’s HUSBAND – hence, the quotation marks around “grandson.” (I hate grammatical and punctuation stupidity, so this offense was particularly…offensive.)

There was some mushy bullshit preprinted in the inside of the card, along with a brief handwritten note: “Ethan and Lauren, the best part of this time of year is thinking about both of you. Love, Grandpa and Grandma (LAST NAME).”

So, they only think about their ONLY grandkids around the holidays? Nothing about “hope you had a good Christmas” or “would love to hear about school” or “maybe we can come see you sometime.” Nothing about “we still have your dad’s Christmas presents from LAST YEAR that we want to give you.” Nothing about “we’ll be sending all your dad’s stuff that your mom requested at the funeral because it’s stuff she wanted to give TO YOU BOTH !”  Absolutely nothing else in the card – no gift cards, not a check or a savings bond. Nothing.

My kids don’t need anything. I’m providing for them just fine. But a stranger (to them) sent holiday gift cards, and their grandparents sent… only a crappy-ass card?

I set the card aside and picked up the second envelope from them. This one was addressed to me. “Maybe they’re sending the kids’ gifts to me?” I thought, knowing that wouldn’t be the case. “Maybe this is an apology letter,” I thought, knowing I was wrong.

Nope. Envelope number two contained no handwritten note or even a “hope you’re all okay” note. It was just a statement from the storage company that the rate on Mike’s unit was increasing as of January 1.

And so, as I approach the one year anniversary of Mike’s death, he’s still gone and the in-laws are still assholes.

Unsolicited advice: needing a man

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“I’ll tell you exactly what you need – you need to find a man.”

I was standing outside talking to Ethan’s teacher on Friday afternoon. We had just wrapped up a meeting about enrolling Ethan in speech through the local public school when she made this ridiculous statement while offering (unsolicited) advice about how I could help Ethan through this tough time.

Honestly, after she said this, I lost track of what she was saying and why/how a “man” would solve all my problems. I was just pissed.

I don’t doubt that having a strong male role model would be good and healthy for Ethan (and Lauren), but to make a broad, bold statement like this is just… stupid. (SIDENOTE: I have started the process of matching E with a Big Brother, but it could take months for the right match to be found.)

Ethan and Lauren (and I) don’t need a “man.” If I started dating TODAY, it would be a LONG time before I’d introduce someone to my kids. If a man from church or school offered to take Ethan fishing or bowling or to play video games, I would be very hesitant to let my son go alone with someone. (Think of all the horror stories…) His teacher recommended sending Ethan on a playdate with a friend when the friend’s dad would be around (right, because men are KNOWN for participating in kids playdates…)

No, a “man” isn’t the answer. (See my previous entry on men and unicorns.)

There isn’t a man in our lives, and we don’t live close to family or close friends. But Ethan sees women (me and my mom) doing all sorts of things: sleeping on a submarine, taking out the garbage, hanging shelves, building things, watching sports, talking about his personal care and hygiene, going fishing (my mom takes E, not me. Fishing is where I draw the line), discussing urinal etiquette, killing spiders. Not to say these are all “men” things or that these are the only things men are good for. Quite the contrary. Even if Mike and I were still married, I’d probably be doing most of these things (and arguing with Mike at the same time). The point is that Ethan sees us doing all sorts of things to keep life moving. We do all this without complaint, without being told, to keep everything running smoothly. And at the same time we’re doing all that, we’re also making meals, cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, hemming school pants, walking the dog, reading bedtime stories, helping with homework, kissing boo boos, and on and on.

Ethan and Lauren are witness to a fully functioning household – with or without a traditional family structure.

Now I understand that both kids would benefit from being around a strong male role model, to have a real reference point for what it means to be a good man/husband/dad/friend. But that’s the thing. It isn’t about exposure to a random old testosterone-filled person. It’s about finding the “right” man, a good man, from whom my kids could learn and grow.

And those don’t sell those at Target.

Little girl (alternatively titled, Assumptions are the worst)

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She walked up slowly to the table of cookies and popcorn. Her big brown eyes and unruly curly hair stuck out immediately.

“I want a cookie please,” she said in a tiny voice.

I was behind the table, volunteering at a fundraiser at Ethan’s school. We had turned other kids away who approached us without money, asking for food. I didn’t know this little girl. Had never seen her before.

“Do you have any money?” asked one of the moms working with me.

The little girl, probably 4 or 5 years old, shook her head.

“Then no,” said the other mom and she turned away from the little girl.

“Honey, cookies are 50 cents, but I’ll give you one for a quarter,” I said bending down to her level.

What I said next has haunted me since Friday night. It was exactly the thing I hate hearing. That I dread will be asked of one of my kids someday. An assumption of a “typical” family – a mom, a dad, two kids, white picket fence. But the words just came out.

“Why don’t you go find your mom and your dad?” I asked.

“I don’t have a dad,” she said. “He died. He was really sick and he died. He’s dead now.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. One of the other moms put her arm around my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, honey,” I said.

But by then, she disappeared into the crowd.

I dabbed my eyes, and she came back with 50 cents. I gave her three cookies.

“Do you know her?” I asked all the other mom volunteers. “Have you ever seen her before?”

But no one knew the little girl. (Unusual that no one knew her since this is a small school in a very close-knit church community, and a little girl with a dead daddy would certainly be memorable.)

The tiny little girl, so young but so confident, handled the situation beautifully. She was poised and eloquent. She answered liked it was no big deal, and maybe to her, it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t know her story.

But to me it was a big deal. I wish I knew that little girl. I want to give her a hug. To cry with her mom. To say, “ I get it and I’m so sorry I assumed you had a mom and a dad and I know that it’s hard.”

I haven’t seen the little girl since.

Lesson learned.

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On a related note, the mom who assumed that Ethan would be “over” the death of his dad was volunteering at the event also. Early in the evening, she pulled me aside.

“I need to tell you that I’m sorry,” she said.

“For what?” I asked.

“That night at the meeting. That was so STUPID of me to say. Of course Ethan is grieving. I’m sure you are, too. It’s a huge loss for you guys. I feel so bad about saying that. I didn’t mean anything by it. I went home and cried to my husband because it was just wrong to say. It came out SO WRONG. I’m so sorry that I said that,” she said.

And I forgave her.

Thursday Tidbits: Generosity, Crushing, Reflection, Reconnecting

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A few completely unrelated, totally random thoughts:

  • Yesterday’s mail included an envelope addressed to Ethan and Lauren. Inside was a ridiculously nice gesture from a college friend (he also practiced the same kind of law that Mike did so they saw each other often “on the circuit”). He sent a beautiful note to the kids about starting the holiday season early with the enclosed gift cards to Toys R Us. Ethan went bonkers – he even graciously offered to “help” Lauren spend her gift card. It was a tremendously nice and completely unexpected surprise. And it should be noted, that this friend is also one-half of the college friends who sent me flowers for Mother’s Day earlier this year. Heart melting.
  • I have a tiny crush on Ethan’s TKD instructor. Not an actionable crush (1. He’s Ethan’s instructor = deal breaker, 2. He’s 10 years younger than I am = WTF am I thinking?), but it definitely makes it more fun to sit through an hour of watching E during practice! In related news, Ethan successfully tested for his yellow belt. He was incredibly nervous and I thought he was going to cry a few times, but he hung in there and nailed it!
  • I’ve been reflecting on my professional life quite a bit since the semester is winding down. I really feel like making this career change was the RIGHT thing to do. The last 15 weeks have been amazing – tough sometimes, challenging sometimes, and often harder than I thought. But I really feel good. – and I think I’m pretty good at it. It also helps that the fall 2013 schedule has been drafted and I’M ON IT (meaning my contract will most likely be renewed)!
  • I reached out to a FB friend who called out my former sister-in-law in a FB post. My SIL is not on FB anymore, has gotten remarried (and changed her name), and left her former job (and the only email address I had for her). I recognized her maiden name in our mutual friend’s post. When SIL divorced Mike’s brother, things got (understandably) weird. But I think about her often and I really miss her. I’ve asked our mutual friend to share my email address with SIL. I hope to connect with her again.