It’s happening again.
This isn’t my first attempt at blogging. It’s not even my second or third. And every time, I freak out and quit for the same reason: Holy shit, people are actually reading my words! People I don’t know have “found” me and are “following” me.
You’re thinking, “Of course, people are reading this. You’re writing on the INTERNET. YOU are the one putting stuff out there, duh.”
Or maybe you’re thinking,” Of course people are reading this. YOU personally told me about it and gave me the URL, duh.”
Whether you stumbled across this blog by happenstance or you’re one of the dozen or so IRL friends I’ve invited into this world, I want to say this: Hi. I’m glad you’re here, really. I hope something I’ve written in the last few years helped you or gave you insight into who I am. But, right now, ARG!!
These thoughts have swirled in my head for months now. Cancer gave me some stuff to write in the interim, but now that’s done, and I’m fine and refocusing on getting life under control (which will be much easier when my skin stops burning and itching and peeling from the radiation. Ahem…)
There’s a lot I want to write about, that I need to write about because this is how I process stuff and it’s hella more convenient to whip out my phone and write than to carry around a journal and (gasp) a writing utensil. But I just can’t, you guys. I’m stuck because SOMEONE MIGHT READ MY WORDS, THE WORDS I’M PUTTING OUT THERE ON THE INTERWEBS.
Examples of stuff rolling around in my head:
- What’s going on with Ethan and how I feel completely overwhelmed and alone and unsure about things and how I’m tired of having the same conversations with his school and is what they’re asking/DEMANDING legal? (Issue: Hi, moms-with-kids-who-attend-school-with-my-kids! Will I be alienated or judged by the other moms? Do they hear things from their kids and think Ethan is THAT kid? Spoiler alert: SOMETIMES he is, SOMETIMES he isn’t. Would writing about the issues and my position on these issues only strengthen that perception?)
- My relationship with B, what’s next, and my frustrations with getting to the “what’s next” (Issue: Hi, B! We’ve discussed many of these things – to no real resolution. At the end of the last two * ahem * wine-fueled conversations on this topic I said, “I’m leaving the ball in your court.” So would writing about it be taking the ball back? That’s not cool. Would writing about it seem like I was harping on certain things? That’s not the intent. Blarg.)
- Deciding what’s next with my career and the timing to make a big, bold move (Issue: Hi, colleague-friends! Work stuff… Enough said.)
Part of me feels like it’s time to close it down, but this forum has been so GOOD for me over the last few years… Part of me wants to keep writing, to push through these thoughts, to keep going and growing, and if people get pissed or offended, then so be it…
Until next time…I think.
Um. Yeah. All of that. 🙂
That’s tough. But you have to do what’s right and good and helpful for you and own it. (If I remember correctly, you’ve never had an issue with owning your opinions!) I get it – you don’t want to fuel any IRL weirdness… but you need a space to process. Maybe just a long Word document just for you 🙂
It sounds like you need a place to vent, get your ideas out and maybe get some feedback? on what you are thinking and feeling. I may be waaay off base, but that is what I am getting. I do enjoy reading your blogs–but you need to do what is best for you. In regard to Ethan, I can’t speak for everyone, but, as you know, I do have a soft spot for Ethan. He has been through so much in his fairly young life–my heart breaks for him. (Remember I told you that at 3rd grade conferences he somehow came up and I started to cry–right there in front of Mrs. Klug with Taylor sitting beside me. Taylor looked at me like I had 3 heads. Did I share this with you???? Well, it happened. My feelings about Ethan are that he is, as I said, going through so much but I feel that he is simply pretty darn brilliant, therefore, perhaps bored in class. The things you have written about that he says and does–“Ethanisms” I call them proves it. His mind is always at work–can’t fault the kid for that. Taylor knows how I feel and I have shared these same thoughts with her and she agrees. Thank goodness my kids are caring and compassionate beings….I would have it no other way. So, long story short, I am in your corner and will be behind you and Ethan no matter what!!!
You might consider writing a new blog. You can be anonymous and write freely. I understand your concerns.
I think you need to do what’s best…for your readers. You make magic with the keyboard. 🙂