Tag Archives: widow

Follow up to Check’s in the Mail – Maybe

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Alternatively called, “People are Stupid.”

So I talked to the life insurance people…finally. A snapshot of the conversation:

ME: I didn’t receive the letter or the form I need to fill out for the rest of the policy payment.

PERSON: That doesn’t make sense.

ME: Well, I got the first check, but not the letter. Can you resend the letter?

PERSON: Why wouldn’t you have it? We sent it to you.

ME: Well, you know the USPS (uncomfortable laugh by me). I got the check, but not the letter. Can you just resend the letter and the form I need to fill out?

PERSON: Well, how did you get the check and not the letter?

ME: Um, I don’t know. Were they sent in the same envelope?

PERSON: Of course not. They were sent a week apart. But if you got one, why wouldn’t you get the other?

ME: Can you just resend the letter and the form?

PERSON: I guess so, but why don’t you have the letter and the form?

ME: I. DON’T. KNOW. CAN YOU JUST RESEND IT?

PERSON: There’s no reason to get upset. I just don’t understand.

ME: Look, I need the letter and the form. You have the letter and the form. I don’t know where the hell that envelope is and frankly, I don’t care. I just need you to resend.

PERSON: Fine. I’ll resend. This just doesn’t make sense. Can I confirm your address? (Repeats address correctly) Well, that’s where we sent it – you got the check, so why don’t you have the letter?

ME: Look, I don’t know. It’s lost. Can you put another copy in the mail and send it to the address you just read to me?

PERSON: Well, I don’t know what good that will do if you aren’t getting your mail.

ME: Then send by FedEx or UPS.

PERSON: Well, we really don’t do that…

ME: And that’s why I don’t have it…  

———————–

What the hell?! Bets on whether or not I get the letter and form?

Check’s in the Mail – Maybe

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I got home late last night, around 9:00. It was a late work night, followed by a few errands. (Sidenote: I’m traveling to NYC to meet with fashion editors next week for work – I’m a little stressed about what to wear, and of course, couldn’t find ANYTHING while shopping last night. Funny how you can never find what you want when you HAVE to find it.)

Came home, phone chat with a friend, went through the mail. There it was… an envelope from our life insurance company. I picked it up. I set it down. I picked it up. I set it down again. Then I opened it.

It’s weird, holding a check with that many numbers, knowing that the only reason you have it is because someone is dead. Then I realized that the amount wasn’t right. It wasn’t enough, not the amount of his policy.

I went to the safe, pulled the paperwork, but quickly realized that I don’t have any of his life insurance papers, only mine. I gave him all his papers when he picked up his stuff in November. I don’t have anything verifying that this wasn’t the right amount. Damn.

I went back to my notes, from when I originally called the life insurance company to make the claim. Sure enough, there’s a number written there. Yes, the check amount was wrong. Heart. Sinking. WTF?

I spent all morning talking to the company through which we have life insurance (which, it turns out is not the company who sends the checks – huh, probably should have known that). They have notes saying the second part of the claim is being investigated and requires doctor verification – and didn’t I read the letter that was sent at the end of last month?

What letter? I didn’t get a letter. The woman read it to me and faxed a copy, but the company didn’t have the forms that were referenced in the letter. And, of course, there’s no way to reach the OTHER company today because they’re moving offices. No phones, no email, nothing.

Sidenote: Really? There are jobs in which an office move means no one works? Where are their Blackberries or iPhones? Where are their wifi connections and work-from-home laptops? How do I get a job there? (Kidding, not sure I want a job at a company that obviously operates in the stone age…or do I, as I sit in the office at 7:15 p.m. on a Friday?)

So, I’ll wait. All weekend. To find out what the heck is going on. And how it can get resolved. In the meantime, I need to figure out what I’m doing with this check. Why haven’t I called a financial planner yet? Another thing for the to-do list.

Reflecting

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A few weeks ago, I was back on my alma mater’s campus. It was the second time I had been on campus since Mike died. The first time was for a college visit with my niece. Our time was booked with professor introductions and tours and admissions counselors, so there wasn’t anytime to think about things – other than telling stories about how much fun I had in college. Then, whoosh, we were off to the next campus.

This time was different, though. I was there for an alumni board meeting, and the weekend activities (like a Friday night dinner to celebrate the graduating seniors) were ones that Mike usually attended with me. It would be my first time solo.

Admittedly, I procrastinated. I stayed at work late. I shopped at the outlet mall on the way. I didn’t get to campus in time for Friday’s dinner. On purpose.

It was about 10:30 when I drove onto campus. It was dark and quiet. The air was chilly and brisk. I could see my breath a little with every exhale. I put my luggage in my room and went for a walk. There was somewhere I needed to visit.

I walked to the reflecting pond and sat down on one of the ice-cold metal benches surrounding the pond. I watched the fountain in the center and listened to the tinkling of water hit the pond and the hum of cars as they drove by. I pulled my coat close and buried my nose in my scarf.

It was here that Mike told me he loved me for the first time during my senior year.

The tears flowed free and fast, thinking about the last 17 years (holy cow, 17 years!). Standing here in 1995 when he and I went for a walk as friends and came back to the dorms something more – “there’s this girl…” he said, “and it’s you…” In 1996 when he graduated. In 2001, just before our wedding as we were passing through the area. In 2004, when I first joined the alumni board. In 2005, pregnant with Ethan. In 2007, introducing Ethan to the campus. In 2009, homecoming. In 2010, walking around campus as a family of four for the first time.

I realized in all the time that the campus – and this spot – have been part of my life, I’ve never sat at the “reflecting pond” and reflected, until that night.  I spent almost an hour out there, until my bottom was numb from the cold steel on which I was sitting and I couldn’t feel my nose.

I walked to the Grotto and lit a candle for Mike and for my dad. I said a prayer, then walked back to the dorm and got ready for bed. The next day would be a long one.

Living with an Alcoholic = Lonely

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Living with an alcoholic is incredibly lonely.

Say I had to go grocery shopping.  I couldn’t leave Mike home with the kids because I couldn’t trust that he would be able to care for them. He’d probably pass out and not hear the baby’s cries or remember to change her diapers. He might hide in the bathroom, drinking, for an hour or more, while leaving the TV on something wildly inappropriate for the kids to watch. (Ethan tells stories of how Mike let him watch History Channel documentaries on ghost hunting, Bigfoot, the September 11 attacks – all nightmare-inducing docu-dramas for a 4- or 5-year old.)

But I couldn’t take Mike with me to the store either. He’d just sulk and be pissed off that he couldn’t get a drink. He’d probably yell or throw a fit about something stupid just to cut the errand short. And, he’d probably claim he was sober and insist on driving.

I couldn’t escape. Couldn’t even break free for an hour or two to run errands. I used to look forward to my hour or two alone on the weekends. It was refreshing to me, walking the aisles of Target and the grocery store. Something mindless to take thoughts away from a hectic career and work week. I’d review events of the past week and reflect on what’s coming up. Since the summer of 2010 when I found out what was going on with Mike, my weekend escapes became rare – really, really, really rare. And soon, I came to resent the fact that I couldn’t go anywhere, do anything, because I couldn’t trust him to stay home – or come with me.

But it wasn’t just random weekend errands. Multiply the lonely feeling by 100 when it comes to going to friends’ weddings or planning a family vacation or visiting relatives. I couldn’t go, leaving him alone – but I was pissed that I was confined to my home with him and missing the things I wanted to do with the people I love.

Sidenote: When Lauren was born, Mike and I spent hours discussing godparents. But I kept putting off her baptism. I knew I couldn’t invite friends (and our first choices for her godparents) to come share our day because Mike’s alcoholism was obvious. Finally, I felt like we had to move forward and just get it done, so we named my mom and Mike’s brother as godparents. It would keep things confined to the few people who knew what was going on. Don’t get me wrong, my mom is a fabulous godmother and I think she was genuinely touched that we asked her to play that role in Lauren’s life. Mike’s brother, on the other hand, well, I haven’t talked to him since the funeral…

I also didn’t tell anyone what was going on. Afterall, I was so hopeful that he’d get better. I KNEW he’d get better. That he’d wake up one day and realize that he had the WORLD to live for – a good education, a good job on the horizon, a fantastic wife ((patting myself on the back)), and two wonderfully awesome kids. If I told people – family or friends – I worried that they’d change their opinions of him, maybe think poorly of him. I didn’t want them to think badly of him because DAMMIT! he was going to sober up and be the man I fell in love with in college.

It didn’t happen.

I didn’t tell friends until I had Mike removed from our house by court order in August. I’m sure people realized that I wasn’t around, that I cancelled plans or just didn’t show up. They might have chalked it up to having a new baby or a crazy work schedule. I don’t know. But when I finally told friends, I felt an immediate sense of relief. I’m not a pity person, but having the people I care about know what was happening brought peace to me.

But I was scared to tell college friends. Mike and I met in college and starting dating my senior year. It was a very small school, and everyone knew us as a couple.

I called my friend, M, a few days before homecoming. She had Facebook messaged me, asking if Mike and the kids were coming. There’s no easy way to have that conversation over the phone, so I just launched right into it. “Mike and I are separated and I’m filing for divorce,” I told her. I explained how I learned about his drinking and how he didn’t want to get better. That we tried AA and rehab. That it was starting to get bad for the kids. I cried as I talked to her.

She was incredibly supportive. “I’m on your side,” she told me.

“Don’t be on my side. There are no sides,” I said. “Mike needs friends. He needs to know there are people supporting him, wanting him to get better.”

“I’m still on your side,” she said. I smiled.

I told more friends at homecoming. One friend, who went to college with us but also high school with Mike, asked, “What do you want us to do?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He asked if I wanted him to take a side, to not talk to Mike anymore (not that Mike had talked to any of his friends in years). “NO!” I said. “Mike needs friends. He needs you to be there for him. Call him, email him, Facebook him, go see him at his parents’ house. I just want him to get better and I want him to know there are people who love him and want him to get better, too.”

At Mike’s funeral, several of his friends told me that they tried to reach out to him, but he didn’t respond.

I think alcoholism made Mike lonely, too.

“Poor Thing”

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I closed on our house three days after returning from Fort Wayne for the funeral. It was tough, wrapping up those last-minute details from six hours away, but when I packed our suitcases in the car, I included all my paperwork and documentation. Just in case. And I definitely needed it – the entire mortgage had to be reworked (and approved) following Mike’s death. Something about state law… Dumb community property state.

It was important to me to be able to close on the house as soon as possible. We had been living out of boxes in a temporary corporate apartment for six weeks. We had Christmas in the apartment. Celebrated New Year’s. Ethan started school while we were there. But we needed a home. We needed our “stuff” which had been in storage since we moved out of our house in St. Louis. We needed to be settled.

Since closing on the house eight weeks ago, I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to really get settled – after all, three days after the movers came, I as on a plane to Orlando for a four-day work trip. There are still a few boxes lying around. Things to hang on the wall are still leaning against furniture or are wrapped in layers of tissue paper and thick cardboard boxes. The basement storage area is quickly filling with stuff I don’t know what to do with, and the garage is still a mix-match of things I’m saving for a spring yard sale as well as some things of my mom’s from her storage unit in St. Louis (mostly big, giant furniture that we can’t move to her new storage place).

I haven’t met many people in the neighborhood yet because of my crazy work hours, but I feel like I know them. Or, more accurately, they know me.

A couple of times a week, my mom will tell me about some of the neighbors she’s met:

  – “Her THIRD husband was an alcoholic. She left him because of it, so she totally gets what you’re going through…”

  – “She’s a therapist. Now, she doesn’t work with people who have insurance, but she said if you ever need to talk through your grief, she’d be there for you and the kids.”

  – “His daughter was married to a doctor. They had a little boy who was about four years old when her husband went on a trip to Mexico. She didn’t know that he was an addict. Killed himself, well OD’d actually, in a hotel room in Mexico, can  you imagine?”

I’m sure my mom means well, but really? How do things like this come out of a 10 minute “Welcome to the Neighborhood!” kind of conversation?

They don’t. Unless they’re being offered up as part of the intro.

I’m not sure why she feels the need to air my dirty laundry to all the new neighbors. I’m certainly not hiding the truth from the neighbors, but it isn’t how I thought I’d “meet” the neighbors. I mean, if it came out in conversation over a summer BBQ or while watching the kids ride their bikes up and down the street, I’m okay with that. But, I’m kind of not okay with the new neighbors knowing that I’m a widow, a wife of an alcoholic who was going through a divorce and is now left with two small kids. I’m not okay with them knowing all this before I actually get to meet them.

I can only imagine what they think, and from the looks I’ve gotten from a few of them when I’ve taken out the trash or waved while getting into my car in the morning, I’m thinking it’s something along the lines of, “Oh, you poor thing…”

I’m not a “poor thing.” I don’t want to be a “poor thing.” I appreciate the sympathy, but it’s not what I need or want. Especially from people I don’t know, who don’t know me or my situation or my kids. I’m not sure exactly what my mom has told them or how it was worked into conversation. And, I’m not sure how to get her to stop mentioning it – or even if it makes a difference now. Apparently “third husband was an alcoholic” neighbor is the village gossip, so my story is as good as told around the neighborhood by now.

I guess until I get to meet everyone (maybe when the weather is warmer), I’ll just be the “poor thing” on the block.