Category Archives: We’re Going to be OK

My Life Doppelganger

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I met with the Tax Guy today. I haven’t done taxes in 10 years – Mike did them. He said he liked them; although, when he was actually doing them, there was a lot of yelling and foul moods and complete procrastination until the April 15 deadline, so I think “like” was not really how he felt.

I started my session with Tax Guy by trying to break the ice a bit. “I just want to apologize up front for being this year’s problem child,” I said with a smile and a bit of a laugh.

“Oh,” he said. “You can’t have a worse story than this other client of mine. She separated from her alcoholic husband last year, and they were going through a divorce – then he DIED!”

My smile faded into nervous laughter. “Um, that’s my story,” I said. “That’s the same situation I have – well, except I also sold a house, moved to another state, and took a new job… So I might still win the title of Worst Client of 2012, right?”

Tax Guy said this woman works in financial services, and that she does not work at my employer. I’m curious who this lady is… what’s her story? I kind of want to find her and have coffee with her and give her a hug…

How are YOU doing?

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I hear that question at least once a day, sometimes five or six times. And, I’m almost always at a loss for how to respond.

Mike and I were separated for months before he died, and honestly, I was emotionally and mentally checked out for almost a year before our physical separation. Yes, I’m sad that he died, and I have my moments. Like wanting to pick up the phone and call him to tell a funny story about something the kids did. Like crying because I really do miss him (the “old him” – the one I fell in love with, but hadn’t seen in years). Like knowing that I don’t (won’t) have him around to have my back when I’m overwhelmed with the kids or work or the house. But mostly, I really feel like I’m okay.

I usually turn the question back around to the kids, and how they’re handling it. It’s Ethan and Lauren that I worry most about. And it depends on who’s doing the asking for how much I divulge. For example, Ethan seems fine at home – he’s happy and playful, fully engaged, very animated. He occassionally mentions being sad about his dad, and we always stop and talk about it. But he’s really struggling at school, but that’s not something I tell just anyone who asks.

When Mike died, Ethan had only been at his new school for three weeks. He was just starting to find his groove and starting to make connections with the other kids. Then, BOOM!, his whole world changed.

When I found out Mike died, the school was one of my first calls. I explained the situation and asked to speak to the priest. The school was phenomenal! I sat with the principal, the priest, Ethan’s teacher, and a counselor, explaining some of the details and expressing my concerns with how to tell Ethan. I wanted Ethan to know that when he returned back to school, he’d have the love and support of his school family. I wanted Ethan to be able to ask any spiritual questions he might have of the priest. I wanted to make sure Ethan would feel like I handled it well, when he is old enough to reflect on the situation when he’s older.

After 20 minutes or so with the adults, Ethan was brought into the office. He sat around the small round table with us. I put my hand on his knee and told him the news. He looked at me, blinked hard, then jumped off his seat and walked to the door. “I want to go to lunch now,” he said, his eyes starting to well up with tears.

“How about we go home?” I asked, motioning for him to come back over to me.

He came over and I put him on my lap. “OK, let’s go,” he said.

The principal packed a care package for him – books, snacks, some small toys. The teacher hugged him. The priest hugged him. And we left.

Someone from the school checked in with us every few days. The first grade parents decided to make dinner for us twice a week for the months of February and March. It really reconfirmed my decision to put Ethan in this school system.

When his teacher called a few weeks ago to discuss issues with Ethan in the classroom, I broke down. I was standing in Walgreens, buying cold medicine (my fourth cold since moving toWisconsin– WTH?), and the news just overwhelmed me. Ethan was acting out (getting out of his seat, talking out of turn), breaking down at least once a day (missing his dad and his grandpa, who died in July 2010), and starting a weird and dangerous habit with his pencils. He was “eating” his pencils – the wood, the lead, the erasers, and the metal – chewing them to bits.

I knew it was time for some additional support. I made an appointment for Ethan to see a therapist.

Ethan regularly visited the school counselor at his old school for issues dealing with the separation from his dad. It helped, and the counselor became Ethan’s greatest ally. She cried on Ethan’s last day, and she and I regularly email about how he’s doing.

I chose a male therapist for Ethan this time. I thought talking to a man might be good for him. As I sat in the room at the first appointment, Ethan played with a tote of dinosaurs and other animals that the therapist handed him while we talked. Ethan sorted out the animals – carnivores, omnivores, herbivores, frogs by color, sea animals, mammals. Of course I couldn’t help thinking what the therapist would make of this OCD behavior. Here’s a kid who doesn’t organize ANYTHING in his life, carefully categorizing plastic toys in a very calculating manner. Ethan even offered very detailed explanations for his decisions. I’m sure there are some notes on Ethan’s behavior in the therapist’s notes…

Our next appointment is this afternoon. I hope Ethan continues to bond with Mr. R and that Mr. R can help Ethan sort through his feelings to find a way to deal with his emotions.

With Lauren, I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing that she’s oblivious to what’s going on. Mike never really bonded with her, and when he died, she was only 20 months old. She won’t have any memories of her dad, which makes me sad, but also a little glad. The stories Ethan has of his dad in the last few years are heartbreaking – not being able to wake him up, thinking he was dead, being neglected when they were alone… Lauren won’t have those memories. She is very well taken care of, staying home with my mom during the day and spoiled by Ethan at night. I’m considering putting her in daycare for a few days a week to give my mom a break and allow her to socialize a bit – she LOVES seeing other kids and will not hesitate to go up and hug other toddlers, which is cute but also a little weird for the hug-receiver.

But overall, I feel like I’m okay. I had mentally prepared for being a single mom well before we separated. Sometimes, like today, I wonder if I’m really doing okay or if everything is just masked by everything else going on right now – taking care of the kids (including making sure Ethan is all right), settling into a new house, exploring a new city/state, onboarding at a new job/company. It’s kind of a lot, and I know my mind is racing most days just keeping up with everything. I don’t have trouble sleeping, and I can say that I’m widowed without breaking down in tears. (Relatedly, I still can’t say my dad died without crying.)

Sometimes, depending on who’s doing the asking, I feel guilty for feeling okay. Like I should feel more, be more devastated, more upset, more weepy. Like the person asking WANTS me to feel a certain way, wants to comfort me when I inevitably (in their minds) break down. Like they think I’m faking being strong.

So, how am I doing? I think I’m okay. And I know the kids will be okay, too.

Cardboard Box

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He stayed in my car for almost a month. Sitting there, on the front passenger floor, sometimes covered with a jacket to hide him from Ethan’s curiosity. I didn’t want the questions – or the tears.

Not that Ethan would ever know that contained within the 2’ x 2’ cardboard box were his father’s cremated remains.

Many times I got into the car and just stared at the brown box. My head flooded with questions, memories, and a rollercoaster of emotions:

  “How could you just die?”

  “Thanks for leaving me a widow and leaving your kids fatherless, you selfish son of a bitch.”

  “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”

  “Really? It cost $31.30 to send human remains through USPS? And you don’t have to sign for it? WTF?!”

  “Wow! Our wedding song… remember the dance lessons we took? We were SO awesome on the dance floor that night…”

  “((sigh))”

But most often, I thought as I looked at the box, “I told you so.”

Since I discovered his drinking (and the lying and the hiding) in the summer of 2010, I must have told him a hundred times that alcohol would kill him. He never believed me. We fought about it, yelled about it, talked to counselors about it. He would get incredibly angry when I would say, “You’re going to die from alcoholism. We need to get you help.”

Eighteen months later, I would be right. The alcohol? It killed him. Distroyed his liver. Left him dead in his sleep on a random Wednesday night.

And, I know that he would be pissed about me being right about it.

******************

I don’t know why I left him in the car so long. Because I wanted a daily reminder of what was going on, even though I didn’t FEEL it like I thought I should? Because I didn’t know what else to do with him? To remind me to make internment arrangements in our college town? Because I was too lazy to drag the box inside?

Probably a little of all of that.

I finally took him out of the car and put him on a shelf in my closet when we left for a weekend trip. He wasn’t going to go with us, not as we made new memories as a family of three.

There’s No “Fun” in Funerals

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I’ve never been to a “good” funeral. At my Grandma Harness’ funeral, the whole family fell apart, and I haven’t talked to several aunts, uncles or cousins since. At my Great Grandpa’s funeral, there was a major clash with my mom’s parents after I was wrongly accused of something unimaginable. At my Great Grandma’s funeral, there were untrue, hurtful rumors being spread about my husband.

No, it’s been my experience that funerals are just big, hot messes.

And, my husband’s funeral in January was no exception.

*************

Regardless of circumstances, it’s tragic when a 38 year old man dies, especially when he was also a husband and a father, a man with wild potential – if only he could fight his demons. Mike was an alcoholic, in complete denial of his condition. His drinking was the reason that we separated and that I filed for divorce. His drinking caused the lying, the hiding, the emotional and mental abuse, the neglect of the kids – and I simply had enough. He had been living with his parents for nearly six months when he passed away in his sleep on a Wednesday night.

His mom called me to tell me that he was dead. I was at my new job. I remember asking over and over again, getting louder each time: “Cindy, what happened?”

And I remember being accused of having a role in his death.

“He just couldn’t get over losing you.”

“The divorce was killing him.”

“He didn’t understand why you left him.”

“You left him alone…”

Yet, they insisted on being there for the arrangements. Since the divorce wasn’t final, arrangements (and payment of everything) were my responsibility. Awkward doesn’t even begin to cover how uncomfortable it was to make those decisions – from the music to the readings to the coffin to the decision to cremate. I suppose it wouldn’t have been any easier if everything was perfect, but it wasn’t perfect. Not even close. And now, the reason I left him, the reason that our marriage failed, was the cause of his death. Alcoholism. And somehow, I was being accused of causing him to die.

The in laws kind of, sort of, apologized while we were making arrangements. They acknowledged how difficult Mike was during the time he was with them. How hard it was to see him drinking (no, flat out drunk) while he was looking you in the eye, lying, saying he was sober. I thought the first phone call might be an anomaly, the result of a mother’s pain after losing her son.

I was wrong.

After the arrangements were made, I left the funeral home with my mom and my two young kids. Walked out of the funeral home, in a town I had only visited a few times, with a poorly drawn map on a napkin directing me to some local hotels. I didn’t see or hear from the in laws for the next three days, not until the viewing on Sunday.

You know, not hearing from them was okay, for me. But I was in an unfamiliar town, with two young kids, stuck in a hotel. For three days. In my mind, it would have been courtesy to reach out, maybe offer to take the kids to dinner one night or swim with them in a pool or bring over the Christmas presents they had for them (since we never got to have Christmas with them – or Mike). Nothing.

*******************

On Sunday, my mom, the kids and I drove to the funeral home. Lauren fell asleep in the car, so my mom stayed with her while Ethan and I went in. The in laws were already there and we exchanged pleasantries. The funeral director told me that I could go in when I was ready. I asked Ethan if he wanted to stay with his grandparents while I went in. Honestly, I wanted to see how “things” looked before he came in. What did the room look like? The flowers? Where was the coffin? How did Mike look? Was he too “made up”?

Instead, Ethan grabbed my hand and said he wanted to come with me. We walked in slowly.

The room had a hideous blue carpet. The pattern will be forever burned in my mind since we only made it half way to the coffin when Ethan stopped and fell to his knees. “I don’t want to do this,” he said in a whisper.

“I don’t either, baby,” I said, dropping to the ground and grabbing him and holding him close. He climbed into my lap and I held him tightly, shielding him from the sight of the coffin while I stared at the carpet. We cried.

I reached into my bag and pulled out a grey and blue wrapped package. A child’s writing on the tag read, “To Daddy From Ethan” – it was the Christmas present that Ethan picked out, but never had a chance to give to Mike. “I want to give this to him now,” Ethan said, standing up and starting to walk toward the coffin.

“That’s why I brought it.”

I will never forget the sight of Ethan, head bowed, praying at Mike’s coffin.

Mike looked bad. His skin looked thin and loose, like he was a balloon that had deflated. Ethan didn’t seem to notice. “Why can’t we touch him?” he asked.

“Do you want to?” I asked.

Ethan reached out and touched Mike’s wedding ring with his pointer finger. Then Ethan walked over to a chair and started crying. I scooped him up and we cried together. I barely noticed that the in laws had come into the room and were now standing at the coffin.

There wouldn’t be another word exchanged between me and the in laws until I confronted Cindy at the end of the night.

***********************

The viewing was a whirlwind. So many family members (none of Mike’s family talked to me or the kids) and friends came from across the country. Two of my college friends regularly checked on the kids (who were playing in another room) and kept bottled water and tissues in my hands. I was overwhelmed by the people who made the trip – I will be forever grateful to those who made the drive or flight, who provided hugs and offered prayers, and who sent emails, letters, and Facebook messages. It was important for me to be able to share with Ethan how much his dad – and we – were loved.

There were moments of ridiculousness from the in laws. They weren’t talking to me, but there were times when I was close enough to overhear what they were saying to funeral guests. Things like, “Well, Mike just couldn’t go on without his family…” and “He’s in a better place now that he doesn’t have to worry about THAT divorce…” and “At least he died a married man, like he wanted to…”

I chose to ignore the in laws’ overtly rude comments.

*************************

At the end of the night, things were wrapping up. Friends went back to their homes or hotels. The kids were with my niece in our hotel room. And I was talking to the funeral director to wrap up a few last minute details and discussing the plans for the next day. She told me that the flowers and plants I wanted to take home would be available after the lunch following mass.

“There isn’t a lunch,” I said. “I told them I didn’t want one. Mike HATED those things, and too many people have to get on the road.”

“Um, there looks like there’s one after mass tomorrow,” she said, very uncomfortably. “I don’t know any more.”

“CINDY!!!” I yelled and ran from the room to the front door where Cindy was preparing to walk out. (She might have been purposely trying to leave before I caught up with her.)

I confronted her and she said we discussed it. “Yes, we talked about it,” I said. “And I said no. This is bullshit! You’re planning something HE would have HATED!” My rage from listening to Cindy and Darryl blaming me was finally boiling over.

“Well you can come if you want,” she said, obviously flustered.

“You planned this AFTER I told you that I didn’t want it? And I find out about it from the funeral director? No, we’re not coming. Not at all!”

***********************

The next morning was a traditional Catholic funeral mass at Mike’s childhood church. We arrived early so Ethan would have a chance to say goodbye to his dad, if he wanted. The in laws were there already. (Sidenote: the in laws are NEVER early, but for this whole event, they were two steps ahead of me – and I’m chronically early, always.)

We stood on one side of the church, they stood on the other. At one point, Darryl came over and touched my arm. “You know you’re invited to the lunch after this, right? It would be nice if you and the kids would come,” he said.

“Really?” I responded. “I found out from the funeral director last night. You KNEW I didn’t want this, but you planned it anyway, and you couldn’t CALL me to tell me? No, we’re not coming. Why would we? You’ve ignored us since we made arrangements on Thursday. Why would I bring my kids to a lunch at which they will be IGNORED by their GRANDPARENTS?”

He walked away.

Mass was a blur. I remember hearing a few of the hymns I chose – Amazing Grace, in particular. I remember Mike’s BFF from high school and college speaking. I remember communion. Otherwise, I held Ethan close. (Lauren and my mom stepped out since the baby was fussy.)

When mass ended and we walked out of the sanctuary, the funeral director pointed out where my bag was – it was filled with the registration book, cards that were dropped off, and thank you notes. The funeral director handed me Mike’s watch and wedding ring (a last minute request from Ethan before the casket was closed).

Then I noticed her.

Cindy was holding the crucifix from the casket. It was supposed to be in my bag. I walked across the room to the bag and noticed an empty box where the crucifix was supposed to be.

That bitch STOLE a crucifix. In a church. From a dead man. And his widow. And was now flaunting it. WTF?!

She was holding it at waist level, making no attempt to cover it up. She was taunting me, daring me to confront her, and I realized immediately what she was up to. Even in my cloudy anger, I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of what she wanted. I went up to the funeral director and told her to get the crucifix back.

I stood across the room by my bag, lest anything else go missing. The funeral director returned holding the crucifix and handed it to me. I put it in the box, grabbed the bag and walked back over to my family. We packed the car and were out of the church within minutes.

***********
That was six weeks ago. I haven’t heard from the in laws since. I have no idea if anyone went to the lunch. I have no idea if the lunch was any good.