Category Archives: Randomness

Unexpected direction

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Grief is a weird thing. And it’s back, sort of, in a weird way.

I’ve been fine, GREAT actually, for the last year. The kids are doing well – they’re funny and smart and kind and doing well in school and all-around awesome. My mom continues to struggle with some minor health issues, but she’s thriving in her own home now (which the kids LOVE to visit). My job is fantastic – reviews of my teaching have been over-the-top positive and there’s a move to make my position permanent (and possibly become equivalent to a tenure appointment). My relationship with B continues to grow, and we’ve had the most amazing times with each other and our kids.

Yep, things were rolling. Happy. Fun.

B and I decided to go to Chicago for the weekend. It’ll be our second trip there together (but the first time he got really sick and we came home early). We checked our calendars and agreed on a date. It wasn’t until I opened my calendar to write it down (yes, I still use a hard copy calendar) that I noticed the actual DATE.

January 25.

The second anniversary of Mike’s death.

Thoughts flooded my head: Do I cancel? Would it be wrong to be in Chicago (my favorite city in the world) with B? Would it be awful to be having FUN on that day? To laugh, to kiss, to hold hands with someone?

Overwhelmingly, I thought no to all these questions. Mike and I were separated when he died! I had filed for divorce! We should have been divorced, but dammit, he refused to sign the papers! I should be enjoying my life! I’m going, no biggie!

But I felt the need to gut check someone so I called my mom. “Go,” she said. “If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you. You and B should have a great time. I’ll have the kids. It’ll be okay.”

(Side note: Ethan knows the anniversary date is coming up, but he doesn’t know the exact date. Lauren has no concept of when/where/why/how of her dad’s death. Because they don’t “know,” we can memorialize on a different calendar date.)

And for weeks, I’ve been completely okay with the decision that I will be in Chicago with B on the second anniversary. Until yesterday.

I’ve been hit with feelings of sadness. Sadness that my marriage failed. Sadness that I missed so many signs. Sadness that my kids will grow up without knowing their dad (the good parts, of course).

It isn’t so much that Mike is dead and cremated and buried. It’s more of the loss of what was. The happy times of our marriage and relationship. His physical death has become a symbol for the loss of the life we HAD. It’s all just coinciding with the date on the calendar.

I’m not changing my plans this weekend. B and I will still go to Chicago and enjoy each other’s company and take in the marvelousness of an awesome city. But I owe it to him and our relationship to let him know what’s going on in my head and with my feelings/emotions.

So I’ve scripted out the conversations I need to have with him tonight. Letting him know what I’m going through and what I need from him (random and unexpected calls and texts, hugs and hand holding).

It’s the first “anniversary” that I’ll go through while not “alone.” There are milestones for milestones on this grief roller coaster, aren’t there?

Kissing

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So B and I continue to see each other. And it’s been positively awesome. We went to a local festival, which turned out to be pretty crappy and not what we thought it would be, but we had a great time together listening (and just a bit of singing) to a local band. (It was his birthday and when I found out – the next day – and asked why he didn’t tell me, that I would have planned something special, he replied, “It was my birthday and I did exactly what I wanted…I spent it with my kids during the day and with you at night.” Um…sigh.) We’ve met for dinner and drinks at cute cafes and restaurants. We talked and laughed and had fun.

And he kissed me. (And not on the cheek.)

Quick, little, sweet, innocent goodnight kisses at the end of dates. One, maybe two, kisses. So fast, these kisses, that I couldn’t even really prepare – or even pucker up. Fleeting kisses. Quick “friend” kind of kisses, these were. And I liked it.

But each time I wanted more; I knew I had to take control.

I texted that I had an idea, a concept, for our next date, but I would wait until we talked next to tell him the details. He called to find out more.

“Our next date,” I said, “needs to include more kissing. Not just goodnight kisses, but real kisses. I don’t know what we’ll do on the date or where we’ll go, but kissing needs to be part of it.”

There was a long pause then he said, “I was hoping you’d say something like that. Definitely.”

Due to schedules, it would be almost two weeks before that date. (That’s a long freaking time after just telling someone you wanted to REALLY kiss them…)

He invited me to his house for a completely unplanned/unscheduled night. We drank some wine, went to a little neighborhood restaurant for a quick dinner, then back to his house for dessert of port and fancy dark chocolates (um, yum…). We were sitting on uncomfortable stools in the kitchen, enjoying the treats, when we had a really weird, long pause in conversation. We were just staring at each other. In silence. I wanted to look away, but I felt like I always look away in these situations and if this date would EVER include my kissing idea/concept, I had to hold fast to his gaze. We joked about the rare conversational pause. Then he asked if he could just walk over and kiss me.

“Yes. Please.”

His arms embraced me, pulling me closer, and I reciprocated – arms around his neck, fingers intertwined in his hair. Our kiss started like the other ones – the quick goodnight kisses – but turned into something more. Lovely, passionate kisses in the kitchen. The kind of kissing that makes your breath quicken, your pulse race, and tiny little sighs escape from deep in your throat. The kind of kissing that makes you want much more…so much more than just kissing.

We moved to the living room, and even though it was a little weird being IN FRONT OF THE FRONT WINDOW (with no window coverings – WTF?), the kissing continued. Now combined with cuddling, and (slightly) roaming hands, and kisses that extend down the neck to ticklish places near the collarbone. Sweet kisses. Passionate kisses. Fast kisses. Slow kisses. Urgent kisses. Patient kisses. This went on for an hour or so before we both agreed we had to stop before things went further than we intended.

Ending the kissing and driving home was incredibly difficult.

It’s been a CRAZY long time since I’ve been kissed, especially REALLY kissed. I honestly can’t even remember the last time. Maybe more than three years? That’s a ridiculously LONG time… It’s ABOUT time.

I liked it. And I want to kiss B more. And I think I like B – a lot. And I’m pretty sure that the fireworks are starting…

Endings and Beginnings: An Update

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Life has been extremely busy lately. Good busy, but busy nonetheless. So quick updates:

  • It’s the end of my semester, and I can’t believe how quickly time flew by. In the last week, I had a standing ovation from one class and incredible notes of thanks from several other students. This teaching thing, yeah I like it. Now the time-consuming part – I’ll be spending the next few weeks grading papers… (But I’m on the fall and spring schedules for next school year, which is awesome!)
  • B and I continue to talk daily. We closed the restaurant (again) on our last date, spending more than six hours talking and laughing and smiling without any concept of what time it was. (“Why does time seem to stop when I’m with you?” he asked when we realized it was 2 a.m. and the restaurant was closing.) At least one friend has asked if B and I have kissed. No, we haven’t. He continues to be a gentleman, walking me to my car, giving me a hug, kissing my cheek at the end of the evening (or early morning, in this case). I don’t know where this will lead, and while I look forward to finding out, I’m really realistic about it and taking things very slowly and cautiously.
  • Relatedly, a former coworker messaged me this week with a *demand* to get to know one of her friends who’s moving to town in a month or so. From her message: “I am going to introduce you to a friend of mine who is moving to (CITY). Not a “fix up” unless you just happen to hit it off that way but a great single dad who is extremely bright and funny and sarcastic and I think you would be friends. Oh, and just BTW, he’s exceedingly handsome and has an adorable young son. He’s an uber liberal feminist. I would consider running away with him if invited. Just a heads up. I am not giving either of you a choice in the matter.” I took a chance and messaged him yesterday. (Thank goodness I’ve had some recent practice being witty via emails…) Also, friend was right: he is ridiculously attractive.
  • The condo fell through. Someone offered full-price, all-cash, not-contingent-on-an-inspection offer, and the bank took it. It was a huge blow to my mom, and I think she’s reluctant to look anymore. I’ve shown her a few listings that are comparable, but she hasn’t taken any steps to move on anything. I think she’ll be around for a while.
  • Ethan had first communion last weekend. It’s a big deal for a second grade Catholic schoolboy. As Ethan was getting ready in my room on Saturday afternoon, I was struck with a feeling of sadness: Mike should have been there. Mike should have been helping him get ready, put on his first suit, tie his tie, comb his hair. Mike should have been sitting with E and I during mass. Mike should have seen his son reach across the aisle to hold the hand of one of his favorite (girl!) classmates during the “Our Father.” But he wasn’t there. Instead, I brought a photo of Mike to set on the empty chair, for Ethan to hold during the service. It made Ethan happy to have the image of his dad, but it was sad to watch as he held the photo close at key parts of mass. I was taken back at how empty and sad this otherwise happy occasion made me. I was glad when it was over and we could leave. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough – to get away from the happy families celebrating together: moms and dads and the first communicant and the extended families. (But it was super nice that E’s Big Brother came to mass.)

I’m looking forward to wrapping up this school year and then having the summer “free.” I’ve worked every summer and school break since I was 15 years old, so to have three months without obligations will be completely new to me. Also completely new to me: spending all day/night, every day/night with my kids – other than maternity leaves and occasional vacation days, I’ve worked since they were born. Actually, I worked through my maternity leaves and vacation days, so this will all be REALLY NEW to me.

Once I’ve submitted the final grades for the semester, I’ll be planning daily activities with the kids, a family road trip to the Gulf Coast, and visits with friends near and far. In my mind, I have lofty expectations for the summer – I hope reality lives up to it.

RANDOM: Sparks/Fireworks and Handy Manly

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I’ve written and rewritten this entry a million times, and it’s still not “right.” But I need to get these thoughts out of my head now, so I’m hitting “Publish”…

I had a great time with B on Saturday night. It was nice and comfortable and fun. I smile when I think about him or when he texts or I see his name in my email. (He’s started signing his emails with “Yours” and his name. It’s quite sweet.) Even friends to whom I’ve talked since the date have commented that they can “hear” my smile through the phone. And the ladies in the grief group commented on my smile and laughter last night as I recounted my weekend adventures – one of the ladies who also lost her husband and dad commented, “I like your life.”

(FYI: I’m smiling as I type this…)

Side note: Even if there’s no romantic relationship with B, I think we’d be good friends (but not Insurance Guy kind of friends!), and I’m so thankful that my first date was a positive experience. The experience proved that I CAN date, that I WANT to date, that the time is RIGHT.

But…

Two things keep swirling in my head:

  • Spark versus fireworks: I need to come to terms with the “getting to know” someone stage of dating. Having last dated in college (1995!), that step was nonexistent. I went to a small college – 1,000 students – so dating another student meant we knew everything about each other: hometowns, siblings, what (who) they did last weekend, past relationships, how smart they were. The basics. So when a boy in college took you to the Reflecting Pond and told you that he liked you, there were fireworks because damn, you liked him too – you KNEW him; you KNEW EVERYTHING about him. But things are different as an adult, especially someone pursuing a relationship through online dating. I don’t know anything about these guys, other than what they put in their profiles. (And I’m not sure much of that is accurate…) There’s a period of asking questions and telling stories and listening (and googling to make sure answers match up). Getting to know someone results in sparks and the butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. Sparks are nice, but I want fireworks. I think fireworks might come after the “get to know” stage. God, I hope there will be fireworks someday with someone…
  • Handy Manly: B is very nice. Kind. Gentle. You can see it in his eyes and facial expressions, hear it in his voice. This guy is a NICE person. And that’s good – don’t get me wrong. But…I keep reflecting on something my mom asked on Sunday: “Is he a manly man?” Well, no, not really, I don’t think so. “Well,” said my mom, “You need to find someone handy – to fix stuff. Mike sucked at fixing stuff. You need someone who’s not soft.” Now, Mike wasn’t a manly man. In fact, he was far from it. He couldn’t build or fix things. He didn’t hunt or fish. I teased that he was “handy for a lawyer” but truth was Mike couldn’t saw, hammer, or wrench his way out of a paper bag. Sure, it would be nice to have someone “fix stuff” but that’s hardly my sole criteria for finding a partner. Hell, in the last year, I’ve learned to use a snow blower, hang shelves straight the first time, and fix a leaky toilet – I’m doing okay with handy stuff on my own. But her words keep ringing in my ears… I’ve been talking to B for almost a month now; we’ve been on exactly one date – “how handy are you?” hasn’t exactly come up in conversation but I don’t get the feeling that he’s super-duper handy. I think my mom’s whole criticism stems from my dad, who was extremely handy and very tough – he was manly, for sure. She compares all men against him, but quite frankly, men today are much different from those of her generation. If he’s nice and kind, why should it matter?

Add to the list criteria other people think I should/do have: does not run marathons and handy around the house. Oh boy!

How I spent Sunday or defining “let’s be friends”

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Continuing with the story of my weekend (my first date story here)…

Friday morning, a friend (the one who’s also exploring online dating) emailed to ask if I’d be interested in going to the baseball game with her on Sunday. A guy she’d been out with a few times invited her and “a friend” to the game – she’d expressed to him that she’d like to just be friends, and she’d told me a couple of times that I might be a better fit for him since they didn’t seem to connect. Let’s continue to call him Insurance Guy.

I’m not a huge baseball fan. Hell, I’m not a sports fan. But the invite to spend time with my friend, enjoy a game (and a few beers) from a suite, and possibly meet someone who might be a match seemed like a good idea. I agreed.

On the drive to the stadium, she filled me in – Insurance Guy is a nice guy, owns a successful business, has been divorced for eight years, just ended a six-year relationship, but just not into running (she’s a marathoner). The lack of his willingness to run 26 miles was a deal breaker for her. Of course, she thought I might be compatible.

Side note: While my bar is set at an average level for dating (unless you live in your parent’s basement and are unemployed and think you’re invisible and play D&D all day…), my criteria include a few more things other than “does not run marathons.”

We laughed and talked about our online dating experiences on the way to the stadium. I filled her in on my date with B. She told me that she and Insurance Guy had dinner the night before with two other couples. The dinner reaffirmed that she thought of him as a friend, and nothing more. She said she gave him the friends talk – again – the night before the game.

As soon as we entered the suite, I knew there was a problem. Insurance Guy light up when he saw my friend. He rushed over to her, hugged her, rubbed her back in a more-than-friendly way, and led her further into the room. I realized that this dude wasn’t getting the “friends” thing.

I stayed close to my friend throughout the couple of hours we were at the game. We separated ourselves from the rest of the attendees, including Insurance Guy. But there was no escaping him.

At one point, my friend and I were sitting just outside the suite. She was sitting as far away as possible from Insurance Guy;  I was closer to the suite door. Insurance Guy leaned in as far as he could to try to get in front of my friend. Instead he was totally in my personal space, his big head far too close to mine. He was trying to convince my friend to go for a walk with him. Not happening.

Insurance Guy was weird. He was entirely insincere. He made really bad jokes and had a super annoying laugh (and he laughed at his own jokes, a lot). For example, at least four times in the couple of hours we were there, he “joked” about the “touchdowns” during the baseball game. And then he laughed hysterically. We get it, dude, and it still isn’t funny.

He also sent his “friends” in the suite out into the stadium to buy him microbrews. Seems he is too good to drink the local fave national beer, which was stocked in the suite fridge. Even more disturbing, he didn’t offer my friend or me the better beer. Nope, we were left with drinking the beer in the suite – the beer he wouldn’t drink. Insurance Guy also kept talking about money – “ordering pizza here cost me $42 for one large pie” and “That 6-pack of soda was $18.” Who the F- cares, dude? If money is an issue, don’t do the suite thing.

The guys he invited to the suite were super creepy, too. One guy, a beer-bellied middle-aged balding guy, kept making reference to what a jerk he thinks the star player is. “He walks around like he has a 12-inch dick,” beer-belly kept saying – at least five times he referenced the player’s manhood. Jealous much?

My friend and I couldn’t wait to leave. Luckily, she told him we had to leave by 3, which left us only a few hours to “enjoy” the suite. Insurance Guy hugged both of us before we left – lingering way too long when he hugged my friend. On the walk to the car, I told her that Insurance Guy wasn’t on the same “friends” page, and that I thought she needed to be super aggressive with letting this guy go.

The afternoon didn’t go quite as planned, but I continued my weekend streak of laughing and smiling – albeit for different reasons than my date with B. Cross Insurance Guy off my friend’s dating list – and mine.

Coming soon: a few more thoughts about B.